Questions you always wanted answered about Just One of the Guys

So I know everyone who is in my age bracket-25-35 has seen this movie countless times on HBO as a kid, but probably not that recently, so I thought it was time to reflect on a kind of underappreciated, but sometimes over-appreciated-in-drunken- conversations movie that hold a certain nostalgic place in all of our hearts. Without further ado: Here are my thoughts, takeaways, and things I thought you might like to know about this flick(I’m just going to interperse all the classic lines):

What the hell happened to Joyce Heyser- aka “Terri”: Famous quote “My voyage of self discovery has ended in despair.” I literally hate all of her lines in this movie. I tried to find other good ones but her delivery just ruins everything for me. But she does give us that amazing tit flash and for that all of us young boys remember her fondly.

Actually, she was kind of big time before this movie, she was in “This is Spinal tap” and afterwards she was on LA Law for a bit, then an episode of Melrose Place, a bunch of other shit tv, nothing near her mid 80’s hey day. If you wondering why, watch the movie again... you will realize that she is actually a horrendous actress, bad on a legendary scale. Her facial expressions are abominable.

I don’t know why but my favorite line of the entire movie is a throw away by the cab driver dropping her off at the end “Night, son.”

Obviously, the star of the movie in most people’s eyes is the bad guy, Greg Tollen. I don’t want to get into a long piece about my love for William Zabka, but I will say I was very early on that train. How early? My screen name on AIM was Zabka 33 for abut 18 years so anyone who thinks they discovered him can suck it. If you haven’t seen Karate Kid and Back To School, just rent all 3 and have a Zabka night marathon.

For a good piece on him, read Bill Simmons:

http://espn.go.com/page2/movies/s/simmons/020830.html

I think my favorite part of the movie was his exercise regiment. His strength exercises were classic- “table pressing- good for strength and definition -full extension is very important.” And “the pussy toss for distance.”

He introduced some classic phrases to my vocabulary in his exchanges with his girlfriend Deborah, like “What are you doing hanging around these Chumpstains”, or when Deborah says “he helped fix my earing” Greg quickly snaps “of course he did, he’s a tulip”…and again when she’s caught hanging out with Rick and Teri, Greg goes “what was that a pity stop.” Classic! Obviously we can never forget that he brought his fighting gloves to the prom too!

All I need to say is even you haven’t seen this music video that he was just in with Ralph Macchio and the rest of the Karate Kid Gang, it will change your life, it was recently introduced to me by a comedian friend. It’s by a group called No More Kings and it’s called “Sweep the Leg” and its WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY WILLIAM ZABKA!

http://www.sweeptheleg.com/

For my money, and upon further reflection one of the real stars is her younger brother Buddy, ably played by Billy Jacoby. My favorite Buddy lines:
“Hello..Hey, yo scumbag…yeah, suck your own…eat me……same to you buttface…mom says hi”. Seriously, they just don’t make em like they used to. About defending his wall of naked chicks: “Luanne reads Vonnegut and Kim despises toxic waste.”

To Teri in front of Rick, in the cafeteria: “Go on, show him your hairy chest.” He also calls his sister an “androgynous sleaze bucket”

Also he calls his penis Spike and wears a tuxedo shirt to Teri’s prom.

What about his career you ask? He was in such classics as Bad news bears, Silver spoons and Parker Lewis Cant Lose…also, apparently goes by Billy Jayne now for some reason.

This brings us to another main character that I always found annoying then and still do: Rick. Although this one line almost totally redeems him. When telling Terri he lost his virginity after his dad died. Teri asks to who? Rick: “to a friend of his mom’s that was trying to cheer me up…she did”…Question: is that protocol? Or are his mom’s friends just whores? I want someone to do that for me eventually! Also my favorite lines of his- when he’s making fun of Greg’s lifting habits, “which is it Greg, low IQ or small weenie? Those of us in Greg’s gym class certainly know the answer to that one!” The whole stupid James Brown was obviously some writer’s quirk they came up for his character but it always annoyed the shit out of me.

Obviously nobody will ever forget Rick’s pronunciation of Cindy Lawwwper.

Other classic lines “Are those what I think they are” and “where do you get off having tits” rank as the two stupidest responses I could imagine…I think my reaction would be..”wow, this just got interesting, how did I not notice those things, there pretty sweet, are those C’s?”

But he did knock it out of the park after Terri kisses him with “Its okay everybody, he has tits!!!”

My favorite underrated scene with him: He gets set up on a date with Sandy’s cousin at the cave…a cousin who’s in 6th grade!!!! which makes her what 11 or 12 at most, this has to be the most flagrant thing in the movie, she would have been totally down to let her 11 year old cousin get banged by a high school senior!

The actor who played Rick is Clayton Roehner- He was on Hill Street Blues, and has been TV acting steadily for 25 years, this year on the Mentalist and Castle.

Speaking of Sandy- the girl who digs Teri and tries to bang him at the cave and shows up at his apartment naked but ends up banging Teri’s brother Buddy. Her best line about Teri “What a fox-Dresses like Elvis Costello, looks like the karate kid, I'm gonna get him.”

Most ridiculous thing was that she never got a date and ended up working the prom as a server, I don’t see that happening for the hottest girl in the movie!!!!

Played by the always sexy, 80’s vixen Sherylin Fenn. Credits are vast: Twin Peaks, Boston Public, Gilmore Girls, Of Mice and Men, etc. Random Fact- 36c-25-35, nice!

Speaking of underappreciated hotties, that brings me to Teri’s best friend, Denise, who is a cute blond and can’t seem to get a date? Really? She ends up dating the band guy. Her best line: “nobody here even knows I used to be fat” The actress was a woman named Toni Hudson- look her up on IMDB, phenomenally hot for a 50 year old, though she hasn’t done shit w her career, unless you count Leatherface III, she hasn’t acted in 10 years. Somebody call this cougar Random fact- she was married t Dirk Benedict-aka- Face- from the A team, I guess that would explain her one episode of that show.

Sticking with the underappreciated hotties…by the way, Teri is maybe the 4th hottest girl in the movie, we next come to Zabka's girl, Debra Strowbridge, who gets in the greatest exchange of the movie with Greg Tollin- Deborah “I’m getting real tired of you pushing people around.” Greg- “Well stick around cuz its gonna get real exciting.” Deb-“You know Terri was right, you are an asshole” Greg “that asshole called me an asshole.” Deb- “oh what now you wanna beat him up to, right?” Greg- “No, I wanna buy him an ice cream” The actress was named Deborah Goodrich, her credits: an A team episode, 90210 episode, was the casting person the same for all of these things, wtf. She then quit acting and became story editor at Miramax, shame I thought she was really hot and would have like to have seen in her some Showtime After Dark Movies. Random fact- apparently she is good friends with Julia Roberts.

Back to underrated guys: the dicky boyfriend, Kevin, had few lines but he crushed all of them: “I said 7 o’clock and dressed to kill, so why do you look like hell.” “I used to know this girl Terri, she was hot,” “I meant hobby, like important hobby,” “gee, a walk to the car.” The actor was a guy named Leigh Mccloskey- He was on the Love Boat, Dallas for 8 years, 90210, and was just in a movie called the Elaborate Plan. Random fact - also roomed with Kelsey grammar at Juliard.

Other random things I found funny or interesting:

A gym teacher that does surprise jock inspections 3 times a week?? Pretty sure that’s been outlawed in all 50 states that no longer accept sexual assault on minor by their gym teachers as acceptable behavior. He was played by a guy named John Apicella, glad to see this guy had a lengthy and well deserved character actor career as well.

Anyone else amazed that no one seemed to have a problem with a guy with lizards and snakes in school…they let him have a kimono dragon on a leash! He is credited in the movie as Reptile. His best quote when Terri tells him his mouse is cute, he goes “no, that’s lunch” then points to the Boa Constricter around in neck in the cafeteria. He’s played by Stuart Charno- who managed to have a decent working actor career. Highlight was probably a stint on Chicago Hope.

Mr. Rainmaker, the journalism teacher, has only one classic scene and it’s a throwaway at the beginning, when Terri is waiting to talk to him about getting rejected. He is busy chiding his colleague for talking about wanting to bang Terri. He tells the guy he should't talk like that you could get in a lot of trouble. The guy basically responds by saying this job sucks anyway, I’d rather bang Teri. This was way before teachers banging students was commonplace. Seriously, watch that scene again, its really sleazy! The actor is Kenneth Tigar and I defy you to find another actor that’s been on more TV shows, albeit in 1 episode stints. He might have the best career of anyone in this movie, it’s astonishing! Cheers, Dallas, Growing Pains, Mr. Belvedere, Law and Order, the X Files, NYPD Blue, Knight Rider, Night Court, Webster and now Fringe, plus 130 others.

One of the two nerds, Arye Gross, the one with the glasses, also has one of the best IMDB pages of anyone in the entire movie. He has been a character actor on literally every show on TV too, recurring on Castle this year, just IMBD him. You may recognize him from movies such as Minority Report-(the murderous husband) and Gone in 60 Seconds.

The other nerd, Robert Fieldsteel, didn’t have quite as much success but still had a decent career for a character actor.

Also, finally, as if your still reading, if you maybe thought the Prom Band was some famous band from the 80’s...I admit I did, well I was wrong. They were called Brock/Davis played by Tony Brock and Jay Davis. Hope the 3 people reading this really, really enjoyed my 20 hours of research.

10 Crazy Facts About the Obscure Cast Members of Dazed and Confused.

If you want to find out what the main characters are up to (as if I need to tell you how it turned out for Ben Affleck, Parker Posey, Joey Lauren Adams, Mila Jovovich, Cole Hauser, Matthew McConnaughey, Adam Goldberg, Rory Cochrane or Nikki Katt)….here is a good link.

http://tiny.cc/xjHC8

If you don’t want to read it, a couple of cool highlight that you may not know is that Shawn Andrews, aka, Pickford eloped with a 16 yr old Mila Jovovich during filming but the marriage was annulled a month later. Also, my biggest disappointment is that Sasha Jenson, who stole the movie as Don Dawson who said "I paid for the beer man" "we can make it legal" and did the awesome fake punch of a nerd move, never really made much of a career with himself (except a funny part in Buffy the Vampire Slayer) despite having an awesome uni-brow…and Michelle Burke who played Jodi Kramer was Charlie Sheen’s love interest in Major League 2….Anthony Rapp- aka the nerd who dreams about banging a chick with “the head of Abraham Lincoln”…starred in Rent.oh yeah, and watch for Renee Zellwegger drinking beers in the party scene at the end.

As for the rest of the gang:

10. Ready to get your mind blown? When Wooderson said “You should ditch those two geeks” and “I love those redheads”, he was referring to Marissa Ribisi- aka- Giovanni Ribisi’s twin sister- aka- the musician Beck’s wife! Wtf, how did I not know that until now?

9. Melvin- aka- Jason O. Smith- aka- the token black guy- who had such gems as “run along” and “are you gonna be fuckin that later or are you gonna be a little bitch”…NEVER acted again. NOT ONCE. At least according to IMDB.

8. Deena Martin- for my money, the hottest chick in the film, who played Dawson’s girlfriend, Shavonne, also plays the girl, Christy, who Vince Vaughn almost bangs in his trailer in Swingers until Favreau screws it up. Have no idea why she isn’t a big star. Only did one more movie after that 12 years later.

7. Fred Lerner- aka the guy with the pistol who delivered maybe the best line of the movie “tampering with mailboxes is a federal offense” or “you busted it, punk”…was also the stunt coordinator and has been the stunt coordinator for over a hundred movies in addition to playing bit parts in almost a hundred including Splash, Die Hard and the Last Boy Scout.

6. David Blackwell- aka the store clerk who believes that Mitch Kramer is 18 and who’s strongest line is “here’s a little more change for your pocket”…was just in the HBO movie “Temple Grandin”

5. If you had to guess which mom, A)Mitch Kramer’s or his B)buddy Carl’s mom with the shotgun, was a well respected actress with tons of A-list movies under her belt and which never acted again, you’d say Carl’s mom was the Hollywood vet right? I mean I would have thought the one who said “I don’t think so creep” to Ben Affleck, right before he delivers the classic rebuttal “I was just escorting your son home, there were some ruffians about”…was destined for stardom. I don’t even remember Mitch’s mom. As it turns out, Mitch’s mom, Mona Lee Fultz, has been in tons of movies including Miss Congeniality, Waking Life, Varsity Blues and What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, while Carl’s mom, Katherine Asher, never acted again. But, boy could she cock a shotgun!

4. Speaking of Carl, aka- Esteban Powell- he seemingly became a much better looking guy than he was then and has had a consistent TV career and is currently on TNT’s “the Cleaner.”

3. “Where you planning on having a party here tonight” and “Honey, start unpacking” are just a few scene stealing lines from Mr. Pickford- aka- Richard Dillard. It should come as no surprise he is also a Hollywood vet, with such works as Friday Night Lights, Walker Texas Ranger, Stop-Loss and most recently, Temple Grandin, as well.

2. “Wrong Mr. Pickford. Inconvenience to you!” is probably my favorite line of the movie, so I was pleased to find that the man who delivered it with such awesome intonation on the word “Inconvenience”, John Stasey, has been apparently thriving doing voices for over 100 Japanese anime cartoons. Somehow he managed to sneak back to the US to do a few episodes of Walker Texas Ranger.

1. You didn’t’ think I’d forget about Wiley Wiggins?- aka- Mitch Kramer- he did Love and a .45 and Waking Life, not much else, but he is an incredibly nice guy. I recently befriended him on Facebook because I wanted to start a comedy show where we invited obscure actors about to talk about their brushes with fame. He is now living in Texas blogging about technology and art.

Hope anyone finds this 1% as interesting as I did.

Tribeca Film Festival

Since I am a daywalker, I have some free time on my hands to catch some awesome and some dreadful movies this week at Tribeca. Just wanted to do a quick review for anyone thinking about seeing these movies.

1. Lost Son of Havana: Story of Luis Tiant, (one of the best pitchers of all time) returning to his native Cuba for the first time in 46 years. Really just an amazing story to begin with. If you are baseball fan or even a sports fan this is a must. I consider myself somewhat knowledgeable about baseball history but shocked that this story slipped under my radar. As a ballplayer, Tiant's stats tell some of the story. He registered some of the alltime great seasons, but actually seeing footage of him pitch solidifies it. In 1978 for Boston he started game 1 of the World Series and was on fire, pitched a 2 hit complete game shutout. Game 4, he did not have his best stuff, gave up four runs but stayed in the game until his arm almost fell off..He won 5-4 after throwing, get this...173 pitches...most starts would have been taken out about 70 pitches before that but he was a real warrior. He also came back from breaking his scapula (shoulder blade) and reninventing himself after he lost his fastball.

On a personal level, this story was really about reconnecting with his roots and trying to find an identity that he kind of lost. He was one of the last players or people even that got to leave Cuba in 1961. He was told by his dad not to come back because he would never get to pitch in the majors if he did. So he stayed and became a star and left behind a family and a country that suffered for the next 46 years while he thrived. He tried to send things back but they were always confiscated. He tried to return a few times but was also stopped by the government. By the time he returned most of his family was either dead or close to it but it was really touching to see them reconnect and his anguish over his not coming home sooner. I don't want to give away what happened to his parents but that was also really moving as well.

Also of note, his father Lefty Tiant was also arguably one of the best pitchers of alltime. He pitched in the Negro Leagues. He struck out Babe Ruth in a game of MLB All Stars vs. Negro Leaguers..where the All Stars got destroyed.

2. North- comedy about a depressed Norwegian. He goes on a road trip to meet his son, via snowmobile. The characters he meets are all quirky. The pacing is slow and there is not much dialogue, but this movie is really about isolation and how it affects people. I wouldn't say it's a must see, but definitely outside of the scope of the movies we normally get here in the states.

3. American Casino- documentary about the subprime mess and how it affected poor people whose houses were foreclosed on. It was somewhat informative and sad to see hardworking Americans getting thrown on the street so Wall Street can get richer. Anyone who makes the argument that "oh these people knew what they were signing, they shouldn't have taken out a mortgage they couldn't afford" should see this movie because your argument will be completely shot down. The fact is in many cases, the mortgage brokers fraudulently wrote down a much higher income number than these borrowers actually made without them ever knowing it. It was widespread and it is a documented fact. Also, 60% of the people given suprime loans were qualified to receive prime loans..Most of them were minorities. This crisis drained a ton of equity from already teetering neighborhoods and has set them back decades and its crushing to see it up close. On the downside this movie was too broad and ended up trying to link the suprime mess with pest control (seriously). Not a must see but was informative.

4. Kobe Doing Work- worst movie I have ever seen in my life. I actually like Spike Lee, but I have no idea what the hell he was thinking. I thought I was going to learn something about Kobe, who in my opinion is one of the most boring "stars" out there. He seems always too polished, as if he practices every interview in the mirror first. Synopsis of movie- Spike Lee shows us a regular season game between the Lakers and Spurs and has Kobe do the narration of the game. Thats' it. I swear. I thought maybe that would be the first five minutes. But it was literally the entire 2 hours. It was a disgrace. It wasn't even a great game the first time around. I am a huge NBA fan and I can't imagine how much more painful this must have been for an average person. Kobe- you suck. Spike Lee- you suck more because I actually had higher expectations for you.

Midget Actors

As I am prone to do when I am sitting in front of the computer, I get obsessed about certain things. Today it was MIDGET ACTORS. Note - The politically correct term may be little people or dwarfs or half-people, but I use the term MIDGET ACTORS because it has a nice ring to it. I'm not trying to insult anyone, as you read on you will see I have a certain respect for these hard working yet tiny humans. I feel like these people definitely do not get enough press. Sure, everyone knows about Gary Coleman and Verne Troyer aka mini-me(the guy who pissed on a wall after he got drunk and rode a tricycle naked on the Surreal Life). The midget acting world has so much depth though, its about way more than Webster and mini-mi. Believe it or not, wikipedia lists 47 MIDGET ACTORS on their site!!! Here is the link for the curious. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Actors_with_dwarfism
Some really forgotten legends on that list, none more noteworthy than Warwick Davis- how's this or a trifecta? WILLOW (Val Kilmer's greatest role), STARS WARS and HARRY POTTER. Not to mention, he played the Leprechaun in "Leprechaun". Talk about range. If this guy was 4 feet, he'd be banging Pam Anderson or Halle Berry. If you wondering who he was in Star Wars, he was the Ewok with the most lines...speaking of STAR WARS, Warwick was not the only actorrepresenting the midget community. KENNETH BAKER was in STARS WARS as well. He played R2-D2. There was actually a human being inside that fucking robotic trash can for 6 months. He was also in Labryinth and despite his wife's dwarfism, he's got two full sized kids! The biggest untold story is that of Meredith Eaton Gilden and Michael Gilden. That's right! The Brangelina of the midget world. Both big time television actors who met and fell in love. Sadly, this story did not have a happy ending as Michael apparently committed suicide in 2006, by hanging himself...very tragic stuff. Meredith is actually pretty hot, everyone I had this conversation agreed that they would have intercourse with her. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meredith_Eaton-Gilden - try telling me you haven't done worse on a wasted night.
She's been a regular on Boston Legal, as well as House and NYPD Blue. I could go on and on, there are so many other noteworthy Midget Actors, but I suspect nobody is reading anymore...when I was done with the research I watched MTV's best show "TRUE LIFE"- "I'M A MIDGET". That's a story for another time though. Also, I just realized I didn't find the midget from Poltergeist, can someone please send me info about her "Carolyn, stay away from the light."

Fire Isiah

As a life long, die-hard Knicks fan, it pains me to see Isiah squander my prime sports fanatic years with his complete lack of understanding of how to run a business. If he were the CEO of a major public company, he would have been fired long ago, probably even put in jail for something. Since he works for James "my head is permanently shoved up my ass" Dolan, he is somehow secure in his job. So I felt it was time I did my part in making a push to get Isiah "70 million for Jared Jeffries and Jerome James seems like a fair deal"" Thomas fired immediately. I took my brother to the Knicks game last night for his birthday and he spent the entire afternoon making signs. Once the game started and the Knicks started losing we decided it was time to spark the flames that will hopefully engulf Isiah "if I dress really well maybe they won't notice we suck" Thomas. He pulled out the first sign- "ISIAH CAUSES GLOBAL WARMING" - we hoped that appealing to their sense of civic duty and blaming Isiah for greater problems might be just the ticket. I followed him with a sign that said "CAN WE FIRE HIM NOW". We did a lap around the entire arena and literally got standing ovations from certain sections, people were taking are picture, high fiving us, thumbs upping us...one guy even gave us free "Fire Isiah" hats. How cool is that? We then broke out the other signs 'ISIAH KILLED KENNEDY!', 'ISIAH CAUSES AIRLINE DELAYS', 'ISIAH CAUSED THE SUPRIME MARKET TO CRASH', 'ISIAH IS HIDING BIN LADEN' and my personal favorite 'ISIAH EATS BABIES'. This sign caused the security guard that already threatened us twice, to make us put the signs away and go back to our seats. We plan on doing that at every game we go to until Isiah gets fired. The voice of the Knicks fan needs to be heard. FIRE ISIAH!!!!!!

I'm hoping to post some of the pictures, as soon as the random people who took them send them to me.

Teddy bear named Mohammed

For those of you who haven't heard the news a Sudanese teacher was jailed for 'insulting Islam' by naming a teddy bear "Mohammed". Many in the country are calling for her EXECUTION!!!!!
I'm sorry but are we just too politically correct to say what we are all thinking?? We are dealing with people willing to execute a woman over naming a teddy bear "Mohammed". No offense to radical Muslims, but I actually think it's an 'insult to teddy bears' everywhere that she named him "Mohammed". We have already seen people murdered because of a cartoon. A cartoon! Can you imagine in your wildest dreams where someone in our country would assasinate Charles Shultz if he had named Snoopy "Jesus" instead. It time for people who apologize for radical Muslim extremists by saying we need to understand their viewpoint better to get a grip. There is nothing to understand. It's not a subjective thing. These people are lunatics. End of story. They can't be reasoned with. The only thing they respect is force, so let's just give it to them. A world where people can't name teddy bears after religious figures is not a world I want to live in, so let's just have this world war already and if they win, then we will go back to naming teddy bears "teddy". In the meantime, while we are still a superpower, I think I am going to have a bunch of T-shirts printed up with "Mohammed" dressed as some of my favorite cartoon characters. Liono from Thundercats. Huey from Ducktales. Maybe even Jem. Oh, that will really get these morons steamed. Who's with me?

If there are any Muslims reading this, this isn't an attack on Islam, I'm sure there are many level headed Muslims who think it's as ridiculous as I do...I would be happy to discuss and try to see the other side ...as long as you don't try to kill me because of my Jem t-shirt with Mohammed's face on her body.

Shaking Bill Clinton's puny hands

How can it be that the man so many of us revere has such a limp noodle of a handshake? I went to a charity event last night for Clinton's global initiative. It was a great event at the Roseland, a bit crowded thoug. Tiki, Geoffrey Wright(actor from Syriana), John Legend and the man himself, William Jefferson Pimpton. I was wearing some filthy rags because I had an audition and had to change my clothes during the day so my stuff got all wrinkled up. So I decided, hell, what if by some crazy stroke of luck, I get to meet one of my heroes. Maybe not hero, because I don't have heroes that don't have supernatural powers, but one cool dude. So I actually went out and bought a brand spanking new shirt and tie, straight out of the package and threw them on. My tie knot was so straight, I should have been interviewing for a job. So after John Legend's awesome set, my friend told me she was gonna go say hi to a guy that works for Bill. She comes back and whispers that Bill is gonna be coming off the stage and shaking hands and leads me to a secret spot by the velvet rope. Turns out, she was 100% right and we were in the prime spot to get the first handshakes. I had my new threads, my new Flip videocamera (everyone needs to have this) and my unsweaty palms ready to brush up against royalty. I debated for a second whether or not to slip him my comedy card..my friend convinced me he wouldn't take it because of the anthrax scares, which is a pretty silly reason but I relented. He strolled off the stage and walked right up to us, I said "it's an honor to meet you, sir" and reached out for what I thought would be a majestic, two handed shake that spoke volumes about leadership and greatness, yada, yada, yada. Or even an overly aggressive, alpha male bone jarring hand squeeze. What did I get? The same handshake I get from an insecure 12 year old. A dead fish. He barely even extended past his knuckles. In all fairness to him, there were 8000 people waiting to greet him so it was more of an "athlete leaving the arena trying to slap hands with some fans" situation. Nevertheless, a bitterly disappointing shake. Not that it stopped from screaming at the top of my lungs "Oh my God, I just shook hands with the President, I'm never washing my hands again." I'm posting the video for anyone who's interested.

Worker's Compensation Chart

I just found this worker's compensation chart the other day (SEE BELOW). Everyone should have a look at these charts before they start sticking their hands into some 1930's elevator to hold the door for some stranger... Tell me if you think there is anything crazy about the chart. Personally, I feel that the "arm lobby" is doing a great job, as compared to the lobbyists that represent people who have managed to lose both their testicles during work(who might these people be anyway, bullriders??)..seriously, losing both balls and the sack (150 weeks) doesn't pay out as much as losing one arm(235 weeks)!!!! Am I crazy in thinking having one of those prosthetic arms would be kinda cool, putting random weapons and fishing rods on the end and also pretty functional at work, whereas if I lost both my nuts, could I ever wake up in the morning and put on a suit like a man and go to work. No way. I would watch Oprah every day for the rest of my life while DVR'ing Ellen so I could watch that too...in a really informal survey of ten guys I fould that ten out of ten say that rather have an arm caught in a combine accident than getting both balls cut off in a paper shredder accident. Good. I thought for a second I might not be properly valuating my genitals. Must be a woman doing the financial modeling . .. Toes aren't with much either, a mere three months of compensation for little piggly wigglies...I guess I could see why there is not much difference in comp between losing sight and the removal of an eye, but I mean, its only worth an extra 2 months pay to have that sucker plucked out and replaced with a marble. ..The crazy thing about all of this that if I simply get fired, I get almost as much as if I lost a toe, and in that situation the only thing damaged is my pride....Also, I always thought it was called a "pinkie" but apparently its '4th finger", and whoever heard of "great toe"??? I guess this chart also settles once and for all the debate about what sucks more, being blind or being deaf...clearly being blind sucks more because if you lost both eyes you would be owed 2 more years worth of pay then if you went deaf. Enjoy.

Body Part - Weeks Paid
The thumb 70
The 1st (or index) finger 40
The 2nd finger 35
The 3rd finger 25
The 4th finger 20
The great toe 35
Each other toe 12
The hand 190
The arm 235
The foot 155
The leg 200
The loss of one testicle 50
The loss of both testicles 150
The sight of one eye 150
The removal of one eye 160
The hearing of both ears 200